I’m 30. I’m single. I’m looking for a man.

Feminism is important to me. Men being feminist is important to me. I emphasize being feminist, because there’s a difference between identifying as something and actually being it.

I know a lot of good men who struggle to understand their place in feminism. And, on the other hand, I’ve met a lot of men who claim they’re feminist but don’t align their actions with this statement.

It’s frustrating to hear men disavow feminism. Aren’t we over this taboo yet? I’m a feminist and I love cock. There, I said it.

What I don’t love is patriarchy, and the way I’ve seen it played out through the way many men treat me, particularly in dating.

Here are a few things I’d like men to think about.

1. How do you talk about the women you date?

What words come up time and time again? Stupid? Slut? Dumb? Crazy? These notions are a product of patriarchy. Question yourself a little. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to perpetuate it.

2. Just because she talked to you all night doesn’t mean she owes you anything.

She doesn’t owe you her phone number, she doesn’t owe you another date, she doesn’t owe you a kiss, and she certainly doesn’t owe you any part of her body. It’s frustrating, I know, but that’s life. You win some, you lose some. Don’t seek out some weird revenge on the poor girl. She gave you a shot at least.

3. Please consider the fact that one in three Canadian women has experienced sexual violence.

Being one of these women, what I most want from a man is patience and understanding when it comes to sex and everything around it. I’m not perfect, I know I’m awkward and weird and have a delayed education to romance, but I’m doing my best. Just chill. You might have to be my “friend” first or deal with some hesitation and insecurity. The friend zone is not always a dead zone. And insecurities just need compassion.


4. In reference to number three. Know that sexual violence has a slew of consequences for those affected, and these consequences, though many are common, are different for every person experiencing them.

For instance, one of the ways it has affected me is believing that I am not loveable and being skeptical of anyone who shows interest. (I’m not looking for pity when I say this, it’s just an outcome of my experience…working on it!) It’s gone as far as not recognizing a person’s face. Because I had no way of saying it then, I’m sorry. I know this makes things really complicated and confusing for you, but hopefully this essay (and number five) helps.

5. The consequences of sexual violence are really hard to overcome.

Believe me. I look in the mirror and for the most part I think “damn, girl you fine!” I’m also smart and funny, but be damned if I’m not surprised if a cute fella smiles at me on the bus. Please make the first move! (If that doesn’t guilt you into it, I don’t know what else to try–haha! Sorry, wasn’t my first intention for this piece. 😉)

I feel like I got a little off track there and made light of something that’s actually been a serious problem in my life. (It’s okay if you laughed.) What I’m trying to say is, as a man, you are in a place of privilege. You are not only brought up to have confidence, but also statistically have more opportunity to be confident and fewer threats against this confidence being violently disrupted. Don’t take this for granted. What I’m seeing in my life is a serious lack of men with emotional integrity. Work on it.

I’m writing this essay because

a) I’ve seen many men trying to step up to the plate in this way and I really appreciate it, but you still have work to do

b) I’m 30. I’m single. I’m looking for a man. See above qualifications. If you’re intimated, good, let’s go on a date.

BONUS: Be Respectful.

Whoever wrote that book that tells you to be a jerk to women you like is wrong. Just be respectful. Go ahead, try it out.

Respectful is different than nice. For example, being respectful means that instead of ignoring a woman’s texts, tell her you’re not interested. Depending on your situation, here’s a sample:

“Hey! I had a great time but I’m feeling more of a friendship with you.”

Be warned, just because you’re nice doesn’t mean she owes you anything.

The obvious, which I shouldn’t have to mention, but for some of you low lifes out there

Don’t rape. If a woman wants you to use a condom, don’t stick your dick in her without one. She’s a kid, don’t try to have sex with her.

Anaïs Nin Quotes to Drool Over

Anaïs Nin quotes always lift me up onto a cloud. If you’ve ever been guilty of peeling open your sibling’s or your roommate’s diary, then you aught to read Anaïs Nin’s work.

Anaïs Nin wrote diaries for more than 60 years, starting around age 11. Lucky for us, these diaries are published—and they’re more interesting than your sister’s obsessive crush. Nin writes about her sexual exploits, her love affairs, her ideas and musings, and about feminism through the years.

Seven Captivating Anaïs Nin Quotes

Anaïs Nin Quotes

Anaïs Nin Quote 01

“I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quote 02

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quote 03

“The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quotes Post - George Leite and Anaïs Nin at daliel's bookstore in Berkeley, CA, 1946

Anaïs Nin Quote 04

“How wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself?” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quote 05

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quote 06

“I hate men who are afraid of women’s strength.” – Anaïs Nin

Anaïs Nin Quote 07

“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” – Anaïs Nin

What are your favorite Anaïs Nin quotes?

If you enjoyed this Anaïs Nin quotes, you’ll probably also like The Problem with David Schwimmer’s #ThatsHarrassment Videos and 10 Things I Read, Thought About, or Noticed this Week.

10 Things I Read, Thought About or Noticed this Week

01 :: My Summer Anthem

02 :: Kitten My Yoga On

If you’re into yoga and helping kids, then please join or donate to my yogathon team! We’re raising funds for Big Sisters of BC Lower Mainland all while “kitten” our yoga on! It’s September 9 at David Lam Park!

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03 :: Ellen Degeneres is so Amazing

This woman makes me cry happy tears, every freaking time.

04 :: 24-Hour Movie Marathon—Can We Have in Winter?

I would love to do an all-day movie marathon, but not when the sun is shining. If you’re a vampire you should go!

05 :: Bloodline + House of Cards + (soon) Game of Thrones = All New Seasons

Again, why in the summer?! But I’m srsly stoked.

06 :: Fuck Trump

07 :: NDP + BC Greens = Government?

Hearing that the BC Greens will support a minority government led by the NDP makes me happy. But what’s next? BC Liberals say it’s their “responsibility” to form a minority government. That Christy.

08 :: Depression is a Real Thing

It’s good to hear that more and more adults don’t feel ashamed of their mental illness and are seeking support. As someone who has struggled with depression all my life, I can say that getting a physician’s consult has made a world of difference. There’s a basic foundation of wellbeing that’s missing when you have depression, and until it’s addressed, it’s hard to make sense of the doldrum. Good things happen, but you can’t help but feel malaise. Finding support that works feels like a veil has been lifted.

09 :: Stealthing is a Real Thing

If you don’t know this already, please be aware that consent means both parties have agreed to all aspects of the sexual activity…including whether or not you use a condom.

10 :: Cativersary

My cat and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary last month. Isn’t she cute?

The Problem with David Schwimmer’s #ThatsHarassment Videos

The David Schwimmer PSAs blew up my Facebook feed this week. Touted as “powerful” and “must-see” I thought they’d reveal something about sexual harassment that the average person didn’t already know. Instead, they perpetuate the patriarchal interpretation of what sexual harassment is and is not. That is to say that unless sexual harassment escalates to a certain degree, it’s not, in fact, harassment.

Each PSA portrays intensifying incidences of sexual harassment in workplaces. A bartender who harasses his new female colleague with inappropriate jokes, then grabs her ass and licks her ear. A boss who hovers over his employee, gets increasingly closer, then touches her earrings and kisses her on the lips. A photographer who prods for a model’s sexual fantasies then has her masturbate in front of him.

The clips end with “#ThatsHarrassment” displayed across the screen. As someone who has experienced sexual harassment, “#ThatsHarassment” felt like a slap in the face. It was as if to say the crude jokes, inappropriate hovering and uncomfortable prodding were not also harassment, which they are.

Here’s how the Government of British Columbia defines sexual harassment:

Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination. It is sexual harassment if someone repeatedly says or does things to you that are insulting and ffensive. It can be words or actions that are sex or gender-related.
There are many types of sexual harassment:

  • unwanted touching
  • making o ensive jokes or remarks about women or men
  • making sexual requests or suggestions
  • staring at or making unwelcome comments about someone’s body
  • showing sexual pictures or images
  • being verbally abusive to someone because of gender

Harassment may be sex discrimination even if it is not sexual in nature. This can happen when someone harasses you simply because of your gender. Sexual harassment happens most often to women, but it can also happen to men or between members of the same sex.

Sexual harassment is a human rights issue. If you or someone you know is experiencing harassment or discrimination based on your sex or gender, you can seek help. Don’t feel like you have to report it, but here are some resources that may help you:

Please let me know if you know of other resources in and around Vancouver, or if you need directing to services in your own area.